It was April of 2005 when I graduated from College. I had my 1st job as
a call center representative in one of the Call Centres at Pasay City's SM Mall
of Asia Complex, September 2005. Mall of Asia wasn't even completely finished
at that time. My weight was at 285 lbs. at 5’10” tall. Yes, I was obese.
My first day of work was traumatic for me. I was overly shy about my appearance;
I almost quit my job on my 1st day. Why? Because I thought it was
High-school all over again. Good thing my trainer at that time was such a good
motivator, he talked me into staying.
To cut the story short, after classroom training, I was transferred to
production. I pretty much became comfortable with my work mates because they
didn't made fun of my weight unless I started to joke about it. They accepted
me for who I was. They accepted the fact that I loved to eat.
My manager would always prepare food for the entire team. During breaks and
lunches I would buy all the food that my taste-buds would tell me to
try. And since it was my first time to earn my own money, I spoiled myself. I
would go out with my office mates and dined in different types of restaurants.
On February of 2006, that was about 5 months from the date I
was hired, my manager wanted to celebrate as our team became number one for the
month of January. She wanted us to experience clubbing. I really never liked
clubbing. In Fact, I refused to join the celebration. Why? I never had any
experience inside a club?! I panicked! I immediately thought of Mr. Klump from
the movie "The Nutty Professor". There was a scene in that movie
where the comedian saw Mr. Kulmp's huge physical appearance and he was
humiliated. I didn't want it to happen to me. Even when my manager told me that
the club we were going to doesn't have stand-up comedians, the thought of
people staring talking about how huge I was made me fearful enough to go to the
occasion. But since she was my boss, I had to oblige.
The date of the celebration finally came. Saturday night. My boss was
outside the club with most of our colleagues. They were all dressed up very
nice. As for me, I was wearing my XXXL black polo and a size 42” waist lined
dark blue jeans. All of what I was wearing at that time was dark toned to
create the illusion of me not being too big. But of course no one was
deceived by the illusion I was trying to make. My size was very evident. As we
entered the bar, the place was so crowded. Just crossing the dance floor to get
to the bar was a huge challenge for me. All of my office-mates were
already by the bar and I wasn't even half way to it. I kept on excusing myself.
Squeezing myself through a crowd of sweaty dancing people. I was irritated at
the same time ashamed. I accidentally bumped someone and I think I heard him
cursing me. It was really horrible.
We were finally able to get to our table. At last! A chair where I could
sit! So I sat and nibbled on some chips. Drank a few bottles and smoked a few
sticks. I was too afraid to move around for fear of making a scene. Even when I
had to go to the mens room, I had to hold it. I saw
the comfort-room on the other end of the dance floor and decided not
to as it may take me forever to get there. Not to mention the people I might
get to bother as I try to get there. So I just sat all night trying to head bob
to the tunes which I've never heard before. Everything was so loud. I was
thinking, how could people actually enjoy themselves inside a bar where they
can’t really sit down and have a conversation? As I sat, I observed the crowd.
People were drinking a lot. There were gay and straight couples hugging,
dancing and kissing here and there. There was even a time where I saw 2 guys
kissing one girl. It was too much for me. I was really shocked with how things were
going on that night. After a few hours and after having to notice half of our
colleagues being drunk, I took it as an opportunity to go home. After bidding
farewell to my workmates, I exited myself out of the building through the
kitchen. Since the kitchen was near our table, that's where I decided to go
out. I figured there must be a back door. I didn't go out to where we came in.
It would be too much of a challenge for me. So, even if I wasn't allowed to
pass through the kitchen to get out, I did it. When I was out, finally I could
breathe! From that day on, I hated clubs!
When we got back to work, all of what our team was talking about was how
they have enjoyed that night. I heard from my gay office friend that he was
danced and kissed by a cute guy which he never really got to know. I asked him,
-
“How could you kiss
and dance someone if you don't even know the person?”
He said,
-
"Well, that's
how I roll..!"..
I could not believe my ears! Everything was almost taboo to me. But what
was I to do at that time, everyone else seem to have enjoyed such a scene.
Since then, I never really joined them when they wanted to go clubbing. But I definitely
joined them for coffee and food trips.
My everyday life was pretty much routinary. At night I wake up, go to
work, eat, and go home in the morning to sleep. On my rest days, my version of
fun would be playing my video games. Whenever my office friends would ask me to
go out , I'd tell them that my friends would be waiting at home and I'd give
them the names of the characters that I play on my video games. That's what I
pretty much did all throughout. For me, that was life.
I was a good employee. I worked very hard and made sure that my boss
won't be humiliated by my work. Whatever I lacked in social life and
appearance, I gained in getting recognition's from work. I knew my
boss and our team was proud of me and that was good enough for me.
May of 2006, SM Mall of Asia finally opened. Together with the opening
of the mall was also the opening of a new and promising Call Center situated
inside the mall itself. I tried my luck. I applied for a Level 1 Technical
support representative role which is more in line with the course that I've
finished in college and got hired July 2006, on my birth date to be exact, July
10. I just turned 26 years old here. I got a new title, an increase in pay, new
people to encounter, new building, everything was exciting! I carried on the
motivation my trainer left me in my first call centre.
As I have said, I was a good employee. I always followed company
policies and procedures. I worked diligently. I received awards
and recognition's for my outstanding performance at work. The “go to work,
eat, go home, sleep, play video games" routine worked for me. I was able
to save up money and buy the latest video games I’ve always wanted to play. The
original discs, not the pirated ones.
A year later, June of 2007, a new department opened up in the company I
was working for. I applied for a new position on that said department and
voila! I became an L2 Technical support representative. Same old same old. Met new people. Studied new
policies. Increased my knowledge and skills. Got another pay increase. Career
wise, I think everything was working out for me. I may not have an active
social life but hey, I wasn't complaining.
Come my 27th birthday, July 10 – I decided to celebrate it
alone by treating myself to a movie and an 18” garlic and shrimp pizza all for
myself. I walked by the bay feeling contented and as I watched the sunset, I
silently wished for a partner in life. A loved one I could call my own.
By this time, I was already at my heaviest. I was at 315 lbs. Even
though my appearance was heavy, I've grown to become comfortable about it. I
wasn't that shy talking to co-workers. I was able to deal with their stares and
side comments about my weight. I was able to learn how to open up a joke about
it too. In other words, I've accepted who I was. As I've said. Everything
seemed to be fine until I met Peter Guzman.
Peter who was from a different team was also promoted to becoming an L2
Tech Rep. We were under the same team in our new roles. He has chinky eyes,
fair complexion, about 5'8" and gay. He's pretty discreet in appearance
but his humour is a screaming faggot (Pardon my french, LoL!). Our stations
were next to each other and I enjoyed his company a lot. His jokes cracked me
up all the time. We became friends pretty fast. I'd say, he's one of my first
true friends since I started working. I enjoyed listening to his stories. It
stirred up my queeriosity. He told me stories I never knew could really happen.
We started hanging out even after work and would share experiences over coffee.
I didn't have much to share but for him, he had a lot.
One light loaded day at work, he opened up Friendster (Yup, friendster
was still the in thing at that time.). He showed me a profile where there are
lots of beautiful sexy gay men. To me, they were almost like celebrities. At
first, I couldn't believe that those guys were gay, but according to Peter,
they are. The pictures I saw were taken from clubs, men hugging each other, pictures
from beaches with only board shorts to cover their skins. I asked
Peter,
-
“How did you get to
know them?”.
Peter said,
-
“I don’t really know
them personally, but there is someone from that group that I used to date. I hanged
out with them about once or twice and that’s just about it.”.
From then on, I asked a lot of questions to Peter. Like how long has he
been out, what other experiences he had. He told me a story where he signed up
for a gay social networking site and met up with a guy from the internet.
According to him, it was just a booty call, no more, no less. He also told me
that he went to a bath house where men would roam around with only a small
towel covering waist down in a labyrinth like house with techno music playing nonstop
in the background and hall ways lit by neon lights with private rooms on each ends
of the hallway. Peter said that if
someone liked you, you'd get hit on pretty fast.
He even gave me makeup tips! Make up tips to cover up facial
imperfections. One day at work, we were both bored; he opened up his bag and
voila! A compact powder! He showed me how to use it presto! Blemishes were
gone! I was so shocked to know that people like us are ok to use such a
product! My curiosity heightened. I was really impressed by his
courage to explore. What’s shameful is I’m 2 years older than him!
To me, every story he shared was like fantasy being lived by a real
person! And what once I thought was a mortal sin to even talk about; his
stories were becoming a norm to me. My imagination was playing, my heart was
pounding with every bit of information that I was getting from him. I was
undeniably impressed with his courage and strength to do things without
hesitations. I enjoyed his company even more.
As me and Peter's friendship grew, we also got to know new friends. We
met Judah and Ernie. They both got promoted and transferred over to our team
about 2 months after me and Peter was promoted. Like a switch, Ernie and Judah
were instantly our friends and to top that of, they're both admittedly
gay!
Judah was the loudest of us three. He always talks and dresses
effeminately which I really don't mind. Judah is the type of person who likes
straight men and would even pay for one to get laid while Ernie was more on the
reserved type of a person. Even if Ernie has admitted that he was gay, He's the
type of person that never really openly talks about his experiences unless he
truly feels comfortable about it. Regardless of these differences, we bonded
right away and our friendship started. I was happy because I finally have friends
who don’t judge me for what I look like.
We are now a group. We've dined almost all the restaurants at Mall of
Asia in the span of 2 weeks. We shared stories and experiences. One of the best
stories I've ever heard from Judah was when he went to a male strip bar and had
asked to take home one of the male strippers. He said he had the best sex of
his life. For Ernie, his story was about how he has devoted his time and love
to a straight guy named Karly. Karly doesn’t even know Ernie is gay and all
that Karl thinks of is how great a friend Ernie is to him. And that’s what
Ernie’s problem is. He gets hurt all the time because he knows that they can
never be together. These are just some of the stories that Judah and Ernie got
to share.
One Thursday, we went to malate to a bar where Peter had recommended.
Even though we had our shift next day at 4:00AM, we braved ourselves to party.
This would be my first time going to a bar in malate with friends and as much
as I was insecure about myself before, I kind of felt confident because my
friends were by my side. Plus, Peter told me that this bar is unlike any bar.
He said that this one promises to intrigue me. It was a male strip bar, it was
my first but since it was still a little early, around 10:00PM, there wasn't
much action going on. There were male dancers dancing on the stage with clothes
on. True to form, Judah had asked to table one of the male dancers and paid for
most of our drinks wanting to extend our stay at the bar even if we had work
the next day. Finally, after 2 bottles, mission accomplished, Judah was able to
get the male strippers phone number. We were able to get home by 11:30PM. Next
day, we were all late for work, due to this reason. It was pretty evident to
our boss that we were lying even if we had the most valid excuses why we were
late. A week later, we get an update from Judah about the male stripper guy
from the bar, according to Judah, the male stripper had a small
"weapon" and it disappointed him big time. Judah is so
funny that way while Ernie acts all grossed out. Ernie has this virgin effect
whenever he hears these kinds of stories.
Even if we are already 4 in the group, the one who hangs the most is me
and Peter. We are like best friends. We even started to share stories about our
families. About how he has an issue with his Dad who is sick with cancer at
that time about him being gay. We practically are the same, about how my Dad doesn't
like the idea of having a son who is gay. Peter and I typically have the same Father
and Son issue. This is one of the probable reasons why we mesh well.
By last week of September, I couldn't remember the exact date, at work
Peter received a call from his Mom and had asked him to rush to the hospital as
his father was pronounced dead due to the complications of lung cancer which
his dad has been battling for quite some time. Peter immediately logged out,
informed my boss and rushed to the hospital. I called him later that day and
asked how he was; he said that he had made peace with his dad. Ernie, Judah and
I were never able to visit his father's wake. We just extended our condolences
to him via text and phone calls. A week later, Peter came back to work; we gave
him a big hug. He was pretty much back to normal. He was so back to normal that
he even told us he had a crush on one of the tricycle drivers near where his dad’s
funeral service was held. After he said that, we all figured out that yes, he
will be fine.
By 1st week of October, 2007. A brand spanking new Gym had opened just a
block away from where I work at Mall of Asia. It has state of the art gym
equipment and certified gym instructors. Also, by that time, my 1st ever
credit card was approved! And since it was my first time to ever have a credit
card, we did a little window shopping, eyeing on what gadget I could possibly
buy in instalment basis. And there we saw, a phone which Peter and I have been
talking about for the longest time! I wanted to buy it but it was 29,000Pesos
at that time. I hesitated, I told myself this needs more thinking.
Peter and Ernie had asked me if I would want to enrol to the Gym because
they know I badly needed it. I declined them so many times and had told them
that I don't want to have anything to do with the gym. By this time, I was already
having unusual feelings towards Peter. All of a sudden, I couldn't stop talking
about him. I confided all my feelings to Ernie and there it became official, I
liked Peter more than just friends. Why? Maybe because, he befriended me with no
questions asked. He was kind to me. He practically trusted me with his personal
stories. I admired his courage and strength! In other words, I was in love with
him. This was my first time to ever truly fall in love. Ernie said,
-
“What you’re feeling
right now Brian is a risk. Yes, you could tell Peter and if the feeling is
mutual, it would be good for both of you, but if not, it could possibly ruin a
wonderful friendship.”.
For a week, I had a hard time coming to work and dealing with Peter. To
make matters worse, we sit next to each other. I'm sure Peter senses that
something is off about me, especially with the way how I treat him. I couldn't
stand it! It was so difficult. Depressing for me even, wondering how I could
continue working with him with this feeling. Heck, I even thought of quitting
my job! I had to decide. I had to think quickly. I couldn't help it. The day before
our rest day, I texted him,
-
“Peter, ever since you
came into my life, my world changed. You gave colour to my life. For that, I
thank you. I want to be totally honest with you; I know that you’re sensing
something different about me. Sorry if I had ignored you once or twice. Truth
is, I couldn’t stand being with you with this feeling I have for you. Yes
Peter, I have feelings for you. I love you.”.
He didn't reply soon. I waited all night. I couldn't sleep. Till I got a
text at 1:30AM with this as his message,
-
"Brian, you are
so kind. I understand where you’re coming from with your situation with your
family. I understand you. We are friends because we share the same interests
and almost same situation. I value our friendship so much and friends forever we’ll
be.".
As nice as his message was, it crushed me big time! Good thing, it was
Saturday, our rest day when I got his text. I immediately called Ernie and
cried! I said,
-
“Ernie, I was a fool
to believe that Peter would have feelings for someone like me. For someone who
is obese! For someone who doesn’t look good! Of course, why would Peter show me
the same liking? He only goes out with good looking people!”.
Ernie said,
-
“I don’t think Peter
is that type of a person. He just really thinks of you as a friend, regardless
of whatever you look like.”.
I went on and on for hours with Ernie about how hurt I was. Ernie was
such a good listener.
That afternoon, I went to the mall. I bought myself an 18” pizza, a huge
bottle of soda and watched a horror flick hoping that whatever I was feeling
would be scared enough to leave my chest.
Come Sunday, I stayed all day in my room. I was deeply affected by the
situation I’ve gotten myself into. I was so depressed. I was wallowing in self-pity.
I despised how I looked like. I kept on having flashbacks of all sorts.
My parents were wondering why I wasn’t coming out of my room. I just
told them I wasn’t feeling good. I ordered another 18” pizza and ate it inside
my room. As I take each bite, I remembered the time when I was 19 years old.
Back then, I admitted to my parents I was gay. They were stark raving mad, especially
my Dad. All that echoed in my head while I was eating my pizza was what my Dad
told me,
-
“If you’re truly gay,
I’d rather die not knowing to have a son like you!”.
As I walk down memory lane, I stuffed myself with pizza. I told the
pizza,
-
“Thank you for always
being there. Thank you for making me feel good. You have always been my best
friend.”…
